Writing about and living it
Tomorrow I should go to the dentist, a meeting, an information session, and a political evening.
I'm staying at home.
Why?
Because none of the boys wants/can drive me.
I woke up still tired.
My face hurts like hell at unexpected times. It's not when you have toothache and you eat an icecream, or drink a hot coffee, enjoy a sweet or whatever sets your toothache off. (Better to say: on).
It's a pain that either generates from the lower jaw under my ear and moved to the front, or in my left sinus, moving down.
In fact I just don't know if it's toothache or neuropathy. I don't care, I want it to stop.
None can take me to the dentist.... imagine that....
They can do what they want all day, ar ready to take dogs and cats from a friend through half the country, and me?
Not that I ask them more than the absolute necessary things. Just hospital visits and the volunteer work. Not even to bring back the awful present I got last week..., not to buy a new bra in the center of town, and certainly not to have some fun. I haven't even been to the christmas exhibition with the wonderful fairies. Haven't been to Germany to get cheap groceries.
I'm stuck at the house like a 99 year old, looking at the same walls, cleaning the stuff of others, and solving their problems too. What I don't move away stays...
I don't have the money to use a taxi.
One of the girls has hurt her leg two weeks ago. She's a dancer. It still hurts a lot and I suspect one or more muscles to be torn. A hospital visit is planned for tomorrow, she wants me to go with her.
I gladly skip the dentist to go with her, but she's in another town, an even when I would go by train, I have to walk a distance that's too much for me.
So I woke up feeling like my life has no purpose, but to be there for others.
They don't care to spend half an hour to get me somewhere to get rid of my pain or to assist their sister.
I work hard to write articles for magazine that shouldn't be filled with my stuff.
I'm happy not to have such an ego that I want my name under each and every written piece, but it would be nice to experience a paid job, instead of working many hours a day for nothing. I need money to move to a place where I can be happy. I want to be in nature, not in this stone city, with loud neighbours and never silence.
There is so much that bugs me (kids wanting the drill and not bringing it back, so I have photo's and other stuff waiting to be put on the wall, etc etc.).
Maybe I've got some flu, maybe...whatever... but I felt depressed today.
I miss someone of my own age to talk to for hours, I miss being hungry (thanks kidneys), I miss a relaxed time...
I heard the geese fly... and oh, how much I wanted to fly with them.
But I was writing articles, about heart disease and genetics and, how ironic, about depression.
Well, mailed the dentist that I want an appointment and asked if he wanted to prescribe antibiotics before extracting a molar. The articles of today are done. Tomorrow I'll have to find photos and maybe write more. And do all sorts of other things that need to be done and I can do from home, waiting for my daughter to call to tell me what the orthopod said.
And make a list of questions for the new cardiologist and nephrologist (thursday and next week monday). Why they refuse to treat the anemia is one of them.
I want a better quality of life...
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