47. DVD of the BBC-series: Great Rift: Africa's Wild Heart

I'm very impressed by the BBC series: Great Rift: Africa's Wild Heart
I love every moment of it.
The way nature is filmed is amazing. The effort the crew took to give us an insight in animal behaviour was huge. But it certainly paid off.
It's one of the few series that keeps me focused from the first second to the last. And makes me dream long after the episodes have finished.

The series is narrated by Hugh Quarshie, one of my favorite players of Holby City.
His voice calms me, and draws me in the film even more.

I think I can see this series over and over again, seeing each time new things, and never ever be bored.

So I think it's wise to have a DVD, so I can watch it when I'm in the hospital or very ill at home.


Gone and back

So I did the urine collecting a week later.
When I collected the containers I expected one with a liquid or powder and one without. But they were both without.

The first day went OK, the second day my kidneys almost shut down, and as I didn't know if I could take a tablet to keep them going I took nothing. Maybe they can find the reason of the shutting down..

Had to pee in a little pot too. Pity...just a few drops. I was afraid they would tell me in the hospital it was not enough, but the nurse didn't even look at it.
She did the paperwork, and that was it.

Another nurse took some blood and off I went.

Had my eyes checked so I could order new glasses.
When the woman was ready she told me to come back later in the week. The results were so very much different from last time, she wanted someone else to check them too.
So: new appointment: saturday.

The rest of the day I did some chores, but I felt more and more cloudy in my head.
So at last I cancelled tomorrow.'s going with my son to the movieset.
It will be rather hot and I can't risk getting unwell. There's nothing to hide at the airfield.

In the evening my kidneys started to work again.


46. Each time they sound a smile of a friend enters my heart.

Yesterday I was talking with one of my daughters about the new friends online that are such a huge support, just as my offline friends.

Some offered to go with me to hospital appointments, which is very kind.
Right now I don't need a person to go with me to talk to the doc, because going by myself makes me more focused and more critical.

But I don't know what I need in the near future.

I said: 'Sometimes internet is not as good as writing letters, otherwise I could put their letters of support in my bag'.

Don't know what happened, but suddenly I had to think about my charm-bracelet.
I always took it with me when I had to sing solo with the choir. I had a wonderful voice, but I was always third in line because two other girls were far more confident.

Maybe it's a good idea to start a new charm bracelet.
Charms need not to be expensive. I already have a bracelet to put them on.
And each time they sound a smile of a friend enters my heart.

What do you think?


Passchendaele 2017

When you died
by the need to kill
and disappeared for forever
in the mud
of war

when you died
a father, a partner, 
a son, a brother,
and a dear friend,
you were just gone
and none even knew at the moment

The hell created by others
because the lives of you all
are just part of a game
of ego
and false power
took all you stood for
and more

And there you are
a name on a wall,
no grave
but you left us far more

You left us our future
our new generations
You gave us peace.

© Syl

So I try

Today I started to feel better.
I'm sure it was due to all the well wishes ( ;)).

My head was not as clouded and my muscles could deal with movement longer and with less pain and tiredness.

I think the shock of being at stage 4 already and the realization that I have to choose for dialysis or refusing dialysis, and that it all means that when things won't improve I'm going to die sooner than later is fading.

Refusing treatment is not an option.
Dialysis at home is not an option. Not enough room for the machine and not enough room for the materials.
So the choice is no choice: hemodialysis at the hospital. My hospital provides the option for the night too. So that's good.

And that I feel a bit better helps too. It means things can improve.
Maybe I need to fight a lot less at the moment.

I'm not afraid to die, it's the road... that bothers me. It's that everything is about money and not about care...that bothers me.
And it bothers me that I'm alone.. no shoulder. Oh, I can do it alone. I know that.

But walking.... balancing...the thin line between being OK and depression... keeping watch I don't drop to the wrong side. Depression, self pity, they're so undermining. I can't let them happen to me.
It's a constant battle.

I love to be alone and do my things, but when I'm alone I feel lonely.
It's for a part because I don't feel happy in this house anymore.
And the spirit of: 'I'm going to survive that overall heart prognosis' is challenged a bit too much by the renal diagnosis. And by thee fact that I can sit on the couch and have great plans to clean and tidy and change things and when I stand up I'm so horribly tired.

With everything that needs to be done around me, and only me to do it, it's a vicious circle that needs to be broken.
So I try to do at least 1 thing each day, even if it's only the dishes.
But it doesn't tidy the house...
and it doesn't ease my mind.


Admin problems -2-

The appointment for the heart echo arrived.
It's scheduled at the same day as the visit to the cardiologist. So there won't be a written report available during the consultation.

The health insurance was also present in the mailbox. It was agreed I would pay on their site, but  I had to contact them again because there was no payment link.
So I got the bill in the regular mail.
Those people are very very sick!!!

Well, at least I can pay and maybe then all issues will be finally solved. After precisely 6 months of troubles.

Bu I have to solve a problem here at home first: I can sign the card, but it has to be sent in a special envelope.... and I have none.

Now the rent-problem needs to be solved.
I will block payment for the next month tomorrow. I don't want  repeat of the problem.
Something, somewhere has gone wrong.
I paid, like they instructed. My daughter has read the letter a few times too, so we wouldn't make any mistakes.

I've decided that when they persist, I will go to a social worker. Not because I need that, but I want them to know there is some kind of extra eye looking to what they are doing.

Society is becoming more and more anonymous.
We used to be able to walk to the organisation that collected the rent. When something was wrong, we could talk to a real person.
Now we can't go to the office as it's at the other side of the country.

It makes me nervous, especially as they didn't even bother to confirm the emails.
I think it's impolite.
Well, maybe that's my age.... :)


...and I played calm.

People don't like to read blogs about depression, illness and pain, unless they suffer from the same.
I know that, but I still write about my days, because I think it's important to give an insight what goes on, so people are able to help and support someone to feel better, or live through it too, knowing they're not alone.

No news on the subject of the financial administration. I bugged the organisation that collects the rent to confirm receiving my mail, first by using the regular email account and then I went to the part of the site which is aimed at doing business with homeowners and got a confirmation there. It doesn't mean anything, but I can show I've been busy with them.

Was reading on their site a bit, as they took over the renting out just a month ago, and read we don't have the income to rent in their system. I hope it's for starters. We're in the house over 30 years now.
I want to move but can't find anything I want: a small house near the sea.

Reading this caused a lot of stress.

The past months I've been fighting such a lot, that I'm tired and want some relaxation.
Stress piles up.

This morning my second son came to drive me to the opticien to get my eyes checked.
Before we collected the materials for some tests at the hospital. A cranky nurse gave the stuff.
I've decided to do the urine tests next week. Pity when the results aren't available in time. I couldn't have done it this week.

My eyes aren't checked. There were so many people waiting.
Did some looking around in the shopping center. Found two small books. The covers are of the same fabric and colours as my fabric backpacks. Kind of mexican or peruvian weaving.
Something nice for myself...need that.

Then we went home and when we wanted to leave the car the motor wouldn't stop!!!
My son was completely stressed out, and I played calm.
He managed to stop it after all, and immediately called the friend who is the mechanic.

We need the car this weekend. One of my daughters has to work odd hours at a village that can't be reached by bus in the weekend. And my son needs to go to the airport where they do parachute jumps. This weekend is very important, because they'll work on a movie.

I was glad my second daughter was visiting. She's a very calming person, lots of smiles, and lots to tell. We had a nice time.

In the evening I looked for information about what I can expect from the nephrologist and the preparations for dialysis.


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